7 Card Spread

Q: The Dad situation at the present moment

A: Death, Letter, Solider, Thoughts, Party, Love, Wedding

Death: Finding out the truth killed and changed so much. My relationship with my dad, my brother and mom, my older siblings. Destroyed is the image of him being a good man. It was shattered. I feel dead most of the time. I can't feel much because of the shock. And it's a change. it's all life changing.

Letter: Sending and receiving emails and text messages from my older siblings and my dad. It's the period of discussion we're having.

Solider: Since I'm numb, I just might get over his lies just to quit this. I'm so tired of it. I might just go back to never questioning him to his face. Taking those orders, keeping my mouth shut, doing what he says, pretending I don't believe he's a total liar.

Thoughts: I'm suspended in a time of suspension. I haven't answered his email. I'm still contemplating it and how he told half truths in it. I'm thinking about how that's the most honest I've seen him.
Party: My older siblings want all of us to come together, minus my dad. They want my youngest siblings to meet my brother and I after 11 years. They want us to accept them. They want us to heal together and just be a family.

Love: I don't know if I believe in it anymore. I know it can't/doesn't last. Was it real to begin with? How can I continue to write my books when I can't deal with love? My characters have intimacy issues already; how much more can I mess them up?

Wedding: Basically the same as the Love card. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've had such a fine example. I just want to get away from my dad. I find him sick, as does my mom. He made my sister have issues with men, and now I'm even worse with this new bomb. How many more years will I be like this?! I was just starting to get used to being touched and semi-okay with relationships after years of struggle. Now what?

It all comes full circle back to the Death card. That's how my life feels like. Learning the truth will ruin my younger siblings. I pray they never know and they don't go digging like I did.

Hey, everyone. Sorry it's been a while since I lasted posted. I've had the flu and I still feel like crap. Just wanted to let you know. I feel a little guilty for not having anything, but I haven't exactly felt like doing any daily readings.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

4 of Swords:

A man sleeps in a bed with three sword pointed down on him. They look sharp and threatening. A lone sword lies beside him for if he needs it. It's rest time. He needs to get better.
---
Yesterday I took some time to rest and relax. I managed to do some writing for once. I spent most of the day going over it. I also tried not to think about making decisions. The day before I felt stressed, so I knew that I had to keep my mind off things.

Daily Draw

2 of Wands:

An eagle flies free over a valley. There are mountains in the distance to symbolize things that do not change. The sun is setting just like it always does. Below him is green growth. His possibilities are endless.
---
Today has been interesting. I woke up wanting more. My cousin suggested (not for the first time) that I should move to her city for a few months. All I have to do is say yes and everything is set up for me if I want it. The possibilities are endless today. But would I regret it? I feel like the past year has been grooming me for something like this. I wasn't ready the last time I was offered. Am I now?

Daily Draw

10 of Swords:

Ever transforming, a camel becomes a lion, becomes a child.
---
I'm stuck in limbo--coming from nowhere and going to nowhere. But yet, somewhere comes change. Lately I've been bound by my indecisiveness. I feel myself changing and growing, but I also feel when I get stuck. I keep going back and forth. One step forward, two steps back. After a while this seesaw can give me motion sickness. One day I will love you and the next I can't. One day I'm open, the next you wouldn't be able to guess what I'm thinking, let alone feeling. I'm waiting for the change to become complete, but now I'm wondering if it will ever stop. People are always evolving. Nothing stays in its pure form for long. Have one thought or feeling and it blooms into two more. And thus the cycle of indecision begins again...

Daily Draw: Yesterday

8 of Pentacles:

A person is going through her everyday life. She is peaceful in her surroundings and it is all second nature to her now.
---
Yesterday was an easy day. I had been babysitting my friend's wiener dog for a few days already and we had finally gotten into a steady routine. We were more comfortable. It was easier but harder because of all the pets in the house. After four days together, they really weren't getting along anymore.

Daily Draw

7 of Wands:

A man is doing many things at once--trying to keep his pace on balloons that are about to be popped by the monkey he has on a leash, juggling lit candles, and playing an instrument. He's literally got four hands and three legs. He's beyond stress. The weight he carries and fights to maintain is crushing him.
---
Today I need to relax. I'm the type of person who loves/hates doing everything myself. I think that only I can do the task right, but the work becomes too great. I need to trust things can be done without my help. Just let things go and watch. So I will do easy, unimportant things today instead of making myself physically ill. Because I'm actually starting to get sick.

Daily Draw

Earth:

The Earth element is very grounded and practical. It reminds me of trees rooted to the earth.
---
Today I feel calm and grounded. Things are steady. I'm using my logic and reason to make decisions. Common sense is the first thing I go by and I've been very organized. I want to get things done today and get them done fast. But I know that things take time, so I won't rush myself. I'm not being unrealistic with what I need to do either. I know how much work I can get done in one day. I won't push myself because that will just lead to getting stressed and then I won't get as much done.

Daily Draw

The Bodacious Bodach:

The way this fey is crouched makes me think he's being sneaky. He's up to no good even if he believes he is doing good. He looks to be in hiding; his wings are perked up and he's on the lookout. He always has to know what's going on around him.
---
I think this card is telling me that I'm not doing this enough. There are things I'm keeping from people and my feelings are pretty much closed off to them. I want to tell them info (and ask info), but it's hard to get it out of my head. I get questions and worry sometimes from them. They are interested. They want to know. But it's hard. Feels like I'm keeping secrets.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

The Talisman:

Yesterday I spent practically the entire day scanning photos for my older siblings. They were photos of our childhood. I was determined to keep going until I was finished because I needed to succeed. I had put it off long enough. I finally finished at 11:30pm. My older sibs were very happy, so it was worth the time and effort.

Daily Draw: July 26

6 of Wands:

There is a celebration in the woods and under a full moon. On this night, a new being has been born.
---
On Sunday my dad came over and we had dinner and went to a movie. We saw Public Enemies. Since I'm empathic, I collect feelings when I watch movies. Over time, these feelings change me and how I view the world. On Sunday I felt a shift in me. I don't know if it was the movie or not. But I noticed that I felt differently towards something. It's like I got back some hope. Only it felt like a sense of knowing. It was too strange to describe properly.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

Ace of Coins:

A woman is feeding an infant that has hatched. She has taken care of this egg and now the rewards are beginning to manifest. Something so small is turning into something big.
---
Lately I haven't been able to write and I didn't now why until last night. I still don't know the full reason, but I'm starting to understand it. I came to my conclusion with the help of a friend. He understands me more than most people, and that scares me sometimes. I always wonder if he's paying more attention than the others or maybe he really is the male version of me like he says. Anyways, he helped me start to address my problems. Maybe that will help in the long run.

Daily Draw

6 of Swords:

A man goes from one island to the next. His land is on fire and he needs to leave. The new land looks bare; he will need to start over, start from scratch. He brings only what he can use.
---
I've been taking a journey of the mind lately. I keep getting swords, so there is obviously something I'm thinking about. But last night I let go of all the bad. I'm embracing the good stuff. It's time to stop over analyzing and over thinking. Just let things be and let things happen. I can't change how things are going to be. So, I've finally relaxed.

Daily Draw

Seven of Swords:

A wolf is helping a hen down. He seems noble and honest, but he is the opposite.
---
Either it is me or someone else who is being sneaky and withholding the truth. Today I need to be careful when talking to someone. I shouldn't be completely open because sometimes it is better to give half truths. This person may be doing the same.

SONG OF THE WEEK

Vanessa Carlton
The Wreckage

Daily Draw

10 of Swords:

The Swords are about the mind. Intellect and logic go hand in hand. The 10 of Swords could be viewed negatively, but I like to think of what I need to overcome. The 10 of Swords usually means I'm going through pain and affliction because of the way I'm thinking. Or because of what I'm thinking about. There's a conflict going on inside my head. I'm ignoring my heart and focusing on my mind. There isn't a balance in that. I need to use both, together as one, not separate. I'm still thinking about my indecisiveness. I don't think it'll go away, but now I know what I want. But it also hurts to know. I want to crawl to greener grass. But the denial is gone, so I know I can't go back there. Now I have to face what's coming.

Daily Draw

The Lovers:

It is scary how accurate this is. I wanted to know what was on my mind today and I got this. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. I was told to choose my heart but I've always gone with my head. Now my heart is saying the same thing as my head: 'I don't want to do this'. I'm confused and I want to stay away from this territory with this person. If I make either choices, there will be a price and a commitment of some kind. I call it a consequence. The rational side of me knows what's right for me. But when is it time to stop being so rational? I tried being emotional instead and now I face this decision. There is no win-win situation. Why can't things be comfortable and fun? I need things to be still and unchanged. If I'm still, I'm alright. And if I'm alright, I'm still myself. I don't want to get lost. Why do these things have to be so complicated? Or is it me who is doing that? Am I just making it harder?


*I was doing a daily card for my mom, right after I did mine, and I got Lover using my Little Czech oracle deck. I can't take my mind off this subject!

Daily Draw: Yesterday

Ace of Swords:

The birth of a new idea, decisions, the beginning of conflict. An idea is generating and it's strong enough even if it's not fully formed. It's there and it wishes to be heard.
---
All day I spent my time watching movies on the couch. I had to be on the couch because I hurt my foot and it was swelling. But I also had to be watching movies because my thoughts were cutting too deep. They were too potent and I couldn't take that. I needed to escape them because I didn't want to be thinking about a specific thing. I even paired the movies with a puzzle, and it worked. I received the relief I needed. I just can't deal with what's on my mind. It's too hard.

Daily Reading

Jessamine: Compassion:

A woman is rubbing oil into her daughter's hair. They are sharing sympathy by being close to one another.
---
Wow, is this ever accurate. Today there's been a lot going on. My mom had the dentist and a very needed eye doctor's appointment. We all had packing and loads of laundry to do before tomorrow. She was very stressed. She needed a hug and everything she was holding in came out. My mom was happy I was empathic towards her. She talked about sympathy.


*I'm going on vacation tomorrow, a road trip, and I probably won't have much access to the internet. We'll see. I'll be gone for a week and a half. Ciao!

Daily Reading

King of Wands:

A father leads his children down a path. They cling to him with excitement. Somehow, while teaching his children important lessons, he makes it fun.
---
Since my dad doesn't live with us, I've always taken his role. I've been the tough punishment type and my mom is the soft one to my younger brother. I've always tried to set good examples for him without meaning to. I've bossed him around, not because some find it fun, but because he needed it. He turned out smarter because of it. He actually learned something. When we were little kids, I even taught him schoolwork by playing teacher with a mini chalkboard and decks. His teachers reported back to my mom that he didn't lose knowledge over the summer because of my tactics. I was around 11 when we started doing that. I thought it was fun, but as the years went by, it was needed.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Knight of Batons:

A teen is going off on a mission. He doesn't look too happy about it, but this card is a Knight and Knights enjoy action.
---
Yesterday I had to go back to shopping to get a few more things. I found out how to get lower prices without shopping online. I do a lot of buying online and I'm really frugal, so I look at prices and usually only buy things on sale. Anyways, it turns out that stores don't like it if you buy somewhere else just because it's cheaper. They matched the price and gave me a 10% discount.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

2 of Cups:

Two cats stand in expensive formal wear, making a toast. The male stares at the female. They like each other. The cups are half full instead of running on empty.
---
I don't think this has anything to do with friendship with a person. I think it's about my friendship with music. I went to return a CD to get a lower price and ended up with a lot more than I needed or wanted. But I love music and I haven't been able to buy CDs in a while. I love my CD collection and I'm still trying to buy all the ones I love. The list is getting small, thank God/dess.

Daily Reading: June 28

4 of Swords:

A man is seated with his legs crossed like he's going to meditate. The sky is almost clear and there are no distractions, except for the four swords he concentrates on. All interferences and distractions lay behind him, in the distance.
---
This is a time of quiet and introversion. After the day I had, I did this without even thinking about it. I felt awful and exhausted and sore. To combat that I should have stayed home, but I went out and bought a few things I wanted. It took the entire day.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Knight of Swords:

This fey has a backdrop of red for passion and fire. She holds her weapon up and is ready to charge. She has put everything into it and she has all the confidence she needs.
---
Yesterday I had some fun by not being my usual reclusive self. I guess I surprised everyone, including myself. I went out all day and did the unexpected. I shocked myself and the night before that I also shocked myself. It felt normal. I loved and hated it. I just felt this need to go out a lot and get in some new experiences before I go on my trip. It's like preparing for it. Or maybe I wanted my time at home to mean something before I left. Like I really have done something this whole time.

Daily Reading

2 of Swords:

Two men stand with swords to their throats. It's a stalemate and no one is going to stop. They are both so tense but determined. It's the rest before they begin again. They are equally strong.
---
When a movable object collides with an unmovable object, what happens? I'm feeling like I have a split personality. I'm indecisive. One minute I want to go out and the next I don't. It would be easy to stay in and not deal with people and their stress and emotions clinging to me. I hate feeling them. I'd love to stay in and watch a couple of movies and run on my treadmill later tonight. I have a big day tomorrow as well, so should I rest before I begin again, or skip the rest and party?

Daily Reading

Queen of Wands:

A confident woman stands in a forest. It looks like Fall. She's open and easy to confront, but she has a confidence in herself like no other. People are drawn to her because she believes in herself, so they believe in her. She can also tell you the honest truth and not regret it at the end of the day.
---
If there is one thing I need to learn today, this is it. I need to have a deep confidence in myself and be brave, for I am taking the advice of the card I drew yesterday. I'm going to try something new this weekend and I'm doing it to an extreme degree--by my standards. So I need to remember that everything will work out as long as I ignore the doubt.

Daily Reading

4 of Cups:

A dissatisfied woman leans over the edge of a balcony. She's got three stacked cups, but she doesn't see them. She sees her failures instead of her success. So she lets go of a full cup. She's depressed and the ship has already sailed.
---
I'll admit that I'm a little bored. I want to do something new, but I'm also comfortable with my life. I've been just like the woman in the card. She's got a key dangling behind her. She has the answers but she can't see them. She has no hope. I need to decide to succeed in other areas of my life. I think the woman dreams of leaving the balcony, but her mind can't fathom actually doing it. But it's the answer to her problem.

Daily Reading

Six of Swords:

The city this man has come from has been set on fire. He manages to get away using the tools he was given. He seeks shelter across the water. The moon is almost accusing. He's not running away per say. He's surviving. The situation was bad and now he needs to find solace.
---
I may find myself in a bad situation today. If I do, I need to learn how to cross into a good one. I'm planning on sitting in the sun to write and maybe the fire represents a sunburn. I don't know if the meaning can be that shallow, but that's all I can interpret. As this day unfolds, I guess I will know.

Daily Reading

Tumbleweed,
we tumbled down.
to the ground
we fell down.
to where we found
our memories.


Orange Flower: Memories:

A woman is gazing at flowers lying in a pile on the ground. She is remembering her past. She is remembering a loved one, but there is no mourning here.
---
This card tells me not to get caught up in the past. I may find myself thinking about past events and people. I've been thinking madly about conversations recently that I've had with a certain person I used to talk to. I'm comparing them and they are so different, even the tone and my attitude. Why do things change so drastically? It's strange to be annoyed with someone to the point of ignoring him/her, and then the year after think about he/she in a new light. What annoyed me? I can't remember any longer. Maybe how I felt about this person reflected on how I felt about myself at the time. What I can recall is that I was too self-consumed to pay attention to how great this person can be, and how great we can both become.

Daily Reading

4 of Pentacles:

A very unhappy cat sits on his golden throne. He's got four gold coins and he won't give them up. Ever. His face says you'd need to kill him first. He lives in a nice house, but it doesn't matter. He just likes money. He says, "What's mine is mine and no other's."
---
Today is Father's Day and I want to take him to a movie. I don't want to let go of my money since there's not much there at the moment., but my impulse to do something nice for him is stronger. And I know he loves movies.

Last night I had an interesting dream that just popped into my head. I was very upset at a friend for spending all his/her money on unrealistic things. Things no one needs, and then there was nothing left for birthdays and special occasions where he/she might want to spend something on someone else for a change. I don't know why I felt so strongly. I thought I was fine; it didn't matter to me. I guess not. I guess not when it's my turn to receive something in return. But in the long run it's silly. I know all the things my friends have done for me, especially when I don't have money. These feelings are unfair, but not entirely unfounded.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

6 of Swords:

Feeling blue, taking a journey (mental), feeling flat and tired instead of rested. Going through a troubled time unnoticed by others.

Three cats (maybe a family) are going on a trip with swords as their defenses. The cat steering them is looking over his shoulder, always looking back. He does not rest. The card feels still, like the water, and like there's something they need to get done.
---
Yesterday I was sick from the wheat I ate the day before. It's a food allergy for me. I had to make dinner for my family and I didn't want to tell anyone because someone else would have to do it. I also didn't get a good sleep the night before. I was tired. All I wanted to do was sit back down. When I sat, it didn't seem so bad.

Daily Reading: June 19

3 of Wands:

A fey has come here once before to plant an odd seed. It has sprouted into a star and in turn created three more. He worked hard and now, sitting there with a grin, enjoys his labor.
---
My friend came over and we were having a hard week with our friendship. It takes hard work at times maintaining it. 90% of the time everything is smooth sailing, but somehow 10% of the time a dark cloud manages to creep in if we don't completely agree on something with one another. But we moved on and forgot about it. It was an unnecessary argument, now in the past.

Daily Reading: June 18

The Empress:

The Empress is the mother, the nurturer. She has strength to protect and the courage to do just that. But she is also loving over her domain.
---
I could have had a bad reaction to hearing that my trip would be shortened. But instead I listened to why. The why was more important and soon I realized that maybe I would actually get more time, extra days for driving there and back. I felt protective over my brother and put my feelings aside to give my opinion. I couldn't blame him at all. I had no right to.


*Sorry, I haven't written this out for my blog. I've been busy these last bunch of days, but I'm making up for time away from here.

Daily Reading

walk along
and don't you fall.
say a prayer
and carry on.


Two of Swords:

A woman stands on a tightrope with two swords crossed over her chest--coffin style, blindfolded and with a crowd in a circus tent watching. I'm thinking they are waiting for her to fall or waiting for her to do something next. Also, it looks like she stepped off that platform herself. It was on purpose and she looks concentrated and peaceful. It's her escape.
---
I want this today. I want to shut off the world to concentrate on my inner world. I have writing I can't wait to go do and I want to be able to do it. It's always a balance, will I be able to or not? Will I fall and stop or keep going? Will the words flow in the right direction? So that's just what I'm hoping. I want the world silent. I feel good about that.

Daily Reading

Two of Wands:

Two paths a traveler can take. There are two deer watching with eerie human awareness. This man faces a decision. He can go it hard and find a hard end, or go it hard and face a bright future.
---
I find it amusing that this card calls for me to follow gut. It says I can't make a choice but I need to. And I can't pick because there are too many unknowns. In my case, this tells me the answer. Today I've been in denial about being an Empath. So I began searching through my books on the subject for tests. There is a whole chapter in the book, "Empowered by Empathy" by Rose Rosetree. I don't remember the exact title of the chapter, but it had the word skeptic in it. So I'm doing these quizzes and start feeling anxious. I realize that, included in my thought process is second nature empathy. That's just proving it. But denial is powerful. So this card says get over it. The answer is yes. Just go with my gut feelings and go with it. Move on from here and keep with it instead of against it. I need to read the books and learn. I already learned of rare forms of empathy and I've got at least one in addition to the ones I have already. I need to read.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Two of Pentacles:

A man, in perfect balance, holds the elements in his hands. A rainbow is cast with golden glows. He juggles and makes it easy because he does it well.
---
Yesterday was great. I went to my Grandma's to clean and garden for her. There was a garage sale in her complex. So I went around and looked at everything, buying 2 books for $.50, one pillowcase, 17 puzzles and one backless chair that folds out and has been knitted. I found this stuff amazing. Then I gardened in the sunshine and cleaned. Sat outside and read/tanned. Finally we had awesome pizza. As the sun set, I continued to read outside by the pond. Perfection and paradise. I've been aware that I haven't sounded too wonderful lately and I'm really hoping yesterday changed that. I feel refreshed.

Daily Reading

Thistle: A Threat:

A donkey is just walking along when he comes across a thistle. He takes off his hat because he sees a woman, not a weed. But then she threatens him with a thorn and he sees that she's no lady.
---
I discovered some unsettling news concerning my goals. I started the day with good news and then did some calculations and noticed that I might not complete my goals by the time I go on my trip next summer. So it is kind of like I'm being threatened. This card is saying to either pick flight or fight. I choose fight. It says I need to do something about it right now. I agree.

Daily Reading

Nine of Wands:

A man wearing an arm sling stands among nine wands. It looks like he uses one with determination. He's wearing armor. The Nine of Wands portrayed here is about defense and experience at a price. The man has hardened himself so he can defend himself. He anticipates trouble. He does this for protection of his future. He wants to survive and he wants his possessions to survive. He views certain things and people as his enemy now.
---
This sums up my day. Well, a small part. The part that I like to keep at the back of my mind. I put myself out there with someone and was completely ignored. I won't do it again. I'm defending myself now. There is nothing more I can do. It just shows that they don't care.

Daily Reading

Wheel of Fortune:

Something has changed, the wind has shifted, and there has been a change of events.
---
I have decided to go out today and follow the advice of the day before. I'm ignoring everything and actually having fun. And I'm going to keep doing just that.

5 Card Reading

Q: Why am I lonely and how can I get better?

A: Journey, Letter, Sorrow, Child, Soldier

Journey: I am taking a trip in the beginning of July. Maybe I need a change of scenery. A change of everything.

Letter: I buy tarot decks and they come in the mail for rewards I now believe I can't fulfill. Very depressing to see. I know I can achieve these rewards but I will have to work very hard and it's draining. So I just walk passed my decks every morning.

Child: I'm suppressing my inner child and have been since I became aware that people are judged by others. Maybe I should just stop caring that people have an opinion that matters. People who judge negatively aren't worth my time or anyone's anyway.

Sorrow: I'm just sad. Period. There are things I am glum about and my sorrow isn't helping. I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. It's making me very sad and lonely.

Solider: I have a serious flaw with trying to suppress my emotions. But when I do let it all out to someone, they have the strong ability to hurt me with it, making me feel like I'm overreacting. It makes me angry when people don't take my feelings seriously. Just because they can't go through what I'm going through or feel what I'm feeling, doesn't mean they have to treat my emotions like they are useless, unimportant, and nothing worth talking about. So I just try to close myself off. I try not to let things hurt. I try to get through life obeying the orders of society on how to have a normal life, even if I don't agree with a lot of it. Normal is a vast word and people conform to fit into its box. But that's a different topic.

Daily Reading

Ace of Wands:

The rise of a challenge. Inspiration. The beginning. Control and independence, spiritually. Creativity. Ideas. Transcendence with thoughts.
---
Today I'm trying to clear my mind and not think by cleaning. I'm hoping it will be meditative and will literally clean out my bad thoughts and feelings. I want to get on with things instead of dwelling. I also think having a freshly cleaned and tidied surroundings give a fresh view. I'm trying to feel shiny and new again.

Daily Reading

The Hanged Man:

A man is suspended in the air, hanging on. There is an archway or doorway. It feels like he is detached from life; he is in another realm. He does look in pain and very uncomfortable, but his facial expression shows otherwise.
---
I'm at a standstill with everything in my life. I can't take a step forward without taking one back and I'm too stubborn to make the first move. Everything in my life is suspended-family, friends, writing, hobbies, exercise, work stuff. I'm frozen and it is frozen. It's unbearable but I'm doing it with amusement because deep down I'd rather do this than face fears. It's easier to be where I am than have to commit. But at the same time it's a waste of my life. And that's torture.


*I can't post yesterday's daily draw because of personal reasons. Sorry!

Daily Reading

Ten of Wands:

A man struggles to walk uphill through a rocky and dangerous terrain while carrying sticks on his aching back. He leaves the beautiful grass and sunset for something hard. He's hopeful it will be better, but he's feeling the burden of his sticks. Maybe he was planning on building something new with them. Maybe it is worth the effort, but maybe it isn't.
---
I put burdens on myself. I blow things out of proportion, believing what I want. I'm quick to abandon friends and family if I think they have betrayed me or have done something unforgivable. I don't trust most people because you never know who they really are, even after knowing them your whole life. You never know how fast they would give you up or ditch you for someone more interesting or uncomplicated or more easy to be with. You never know even if there are warning signs you have learned to decipher years ago when they started this behavior.

But I am just as at fault for believing right away that they are rotten at heart. I'm just as bad. So I try to give one more chance when I stop hating them for what they've done. I give them one more chance not to hurt me again. And it's a real burden holding everything up, hoping and trying to make things work again. The question is, is it ever really worth the effort? Yes, sometimes it is with some people. So what happens when it isn't worth it? Can I just throw them away? Am I responsible for them? And if I do throw them away like trash, aren't I just the same as the people I deemed unforgivable? And do I deserve a second chance?

SONGS OF THE DAY

The Offspring
Gone Away
Nirvana
Lake of Fire

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Princess of Swords:

The Princess has learned from her people's past, and nature. She prepares for her people by doing work needed for winter and hard times.
---
I fell off the wagon and I'm trying again. But I don't want to exercise; it's too hot. And I know how much I was exercising and how hard it was to keep it up and keep making it harder. I also know that if I don't start again soon, I'll have to go through the beginning stages again of not being used to all the work. Just that thought should be the push I need.

SONGS OF THE DAY

Rev Theory
Hell Yeah
The Veer Union
Seasons
Nickelback
Just To Get High
Arcade Fire
Keep The Car Running
Children Collide
Across The Earth
Foo Fighters
Times Like These

Daily Reading

Five of Pentacle:

This woman and child are very poor. The boy wears a blanket of rags, but they have each other for support and help. Everything will be better if they are together, even if things are hard.
---
I think this relates to how I don't have much money and I have to be understanding to friends who do have more but whine about not having any at all. Have they even thought about me? I have to think about and talk about their lack of funds while they don't acknowledge that I don't have any. I find this very inappropriate and depressing at times. Do they even remember who they are talking to? Just please don't bitch about having no money because you will always have more than me. You have a job, I don't. Stop complaining! And no one has the right to whine about not having enough money before the next paycheck, while going on a shopping spree. I also know that if they don't talk to me about it, how will they get it out? Friends listen to this kind of stuff, but am I really supposed to listen and not say anything? Everyone has worries, true, but they need to remember that they aren't the only ones who exist with this problem.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Queen of Pentacle:

This Queen enjoys doing the most ordinary of tasks and puts magick into her activities. She likes her home even though it is not perfect. But she always likes to spend time in it. She also makes people happy. The Queen uses her time to listen to people even though she can be shy. She doesn't like to party.
---
Yesterday I finally got the Sims 3, so all I wanted to do was spend time at home playing it. I made sure I wasn't MIA to friends because I shouldn't put my life on hold for a game. An important game, yes, but not important enough to ignore people. I definitely wanted to spend all day at home.

SONG OF THE WEEK

Kanye West
Amazing

Daily Reading

The Fool:

A fey stands wearing two colors that fight to mix and match. The pumpkin shows the dependency on others. The Fool has the answers in himself. The keys are the decisions he has to make. The keys fit in the Fool's crown.
---
I have many questions about family stuff but I can never ask. I can't get the truth even though it's only a step away. But I can't take that step. It doesn't make me sad, just very angry. It makes me feel crazy and my mind runs over everything a hundred times. I have some memories that should give me a few answers, but I can't remember. If only I had access to the keys the Fool harbors. If only, if only...

Daily Reading

Marvel of Peru, Party Time:

Celebrations, a get-together or gathering. It is a time of socializing and fun.
---
Today is my friend's birthday. She is having a family birthday party/BBQ and I'm going. This whole weekend has been so full and busy. I've had something to celebrate every day and I haven't gotten much rest. It's draining. But yesterday I got my energy back by planting a ton of flowers and doing lots of gardening. So today I feel better, but I'm very sore. I just hope that even with the recent, horrible news, my friend can smile today. But that's too much for anyone to ask for.

Daily Reading: Yesterday

Death:

Release and liberation. Endings and letting go, changing things up.
---
Well, I found out on this day that my friend's friend suddenly died, and it's devastating for her. But, as selfish as this sounds, I think this card is just about me, for me. I let go of a few things that were holding me back and I think this summer will be different and beautiful. I think I will actually enjoy it for once. I want to spend time at my Grandma's, lay in the sun and read, bike to the park with friends, go out at night with said friends, go to the beach, and not worry so much. It's liberating. It's just a shame that when I'm feeling good, one of my best friends has had her heart broken. All I want to do is make things better, but I can't. Just want her to get through this okay.

Daily Reading: May 30

The Magician:

This is the guy who lives for science and the laws of cause and effect. He knows his actions have consequences. He knows what the will can do. He puts his will into his tools and knows that without a will, they are nothing. He breathes life into them so they are able to have a cause and effect. But the Magician also knows responsibility and the importance of learning a skill.
---
I had an eventful night and put into practice the cause and effect of drinking too much. I've learned over the years how to control how much I drink and my will is strong now. Only had one drink with lots of water. One of my friends ended up sick instead of me. Go responsibility!


*Sorry I haven't written anything in a while, and what I have written has been short. Been very busy. But not so much this coming week.