7 Card Spread

Q: The Dad situation at the present moment

A: Death, Letter, Solider, Thoughts, Party, Love, Wedding

Death: Finding out the truth killed and changed so much. My relationship with my dad, my brother and mom, my older siblings. Destroyed is the image of him being a good man. It was shattered. I feel dead most of the time. I can't feel much because of the shock. And it's a change. it's all life changing.

Letter: Sending and receiving emails and text messages from my older siblings and my dad. It's the period of discussion we're having.

Solider: Since I'm numb, I just might get over his lies just to quit this. I'm so tired of it. I might just go back to never questioning him to his face. Taking those orders, keeping my mouth shut, doing what he says, pretending I don't believe he's a total liar.

Thoughts: I'm suspended in a time of suspension. I haven't answered his email. I'm still contemplating it and how he told half truths in it. I'm thinking about how that's the most honest I've seen him.
Party: My older siblings want all of us to come together, minus my dad. They want my youngest siblings to meet my brother and I after 11 years. They want us to accept them. They want us to heal together and just be a family.

Love: I don't know if I believe in it anymore. I know it can't/doesn't last. Was it real to begin with? How can I continue to write my books when I can't deal with love? My characters have intimacy issues already; how much more can I mess them up?

Wedding: Basically the same as the Love card. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've had such a fine example. I just want to get away from my dad. I find him sick, as does my mom. He made my sister have issues with men, and now I'm even worse with this new bomb. How many more years will I be like this?! I was just starting to get used to being touched and semi-okay with relationships after years of struggle. Now what?

It all comes full circle back to the Death card. That's how my life feels like. Learning the truth will ruin my younger siblings. I pray they never know and they don't go digging like I did.

Daily Draw

The Lovers:

It is scary how accurate this is. I wanted to know what was on my mind today and I got this. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. I was told to choose my heart but I've always gone with my head. Now my heart is saying the same thing as my head: 'I don't want to do this'. I'm confused and I want to stay away from this territory with this person. If I make either choices, there will be a price and a commitment of some kind. I call it a consequence. The rational side of me knows what's right for me. But when is it time to stop being so rational? I tried being emotional instead and now I face this decision. There is no win-win situation. Why can't things be comfortable and fun? I need things to be still and unchanged. If I'm still, I'm alright. And if I'm alright, I'm still myself. I don't want to get lost. Why do these things have to be so complicated? Or is it me who is doing that? Am I just making it harder?


*I was doing a daily card for my mom, right after I did mine, and I got Lover using my Little Czech oracle deck. I can't take my mind off this subject!

5 Card Reading

Q: Why am I lonely and how can I get better?

A: Journey, Letter, Sorrow, Child, Soldier

Journey: I am taking a trip in the beginning of July. Maybe I need a change of scenery. A change of everything.

Letter: I buy tarot decks and they come in the mail for rewards I now believe I can't fulfill. Very depressing to see. I know I can achieve these rewards but I will have to work very hard and it's draining. So I just walk passed my decks every morning.

Child: I'm suppressing my inner child and have been since I became aware that people are judged by others. Maybe I should just stop caring that people have an opinion that matters. People who judge negatively aren't worth my time or anyone's anyway.

Sorrow: I'm just sad. Period. There are things I am glum about and my sorrow isn't helping. I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. It's making me very sad and lonely.

Solider: I have a serious flaw with trying to suppress my emotions. But when I do let it all out to someone, they have the strong ability to hurt me with it, making me feel like I'm overreacting. It makes me angry when people don't take my feelings seriously. Just because they can't go through what I'm going through or feel what I'm feeling, doesn't mean they have to treat my emotions like they are useless, unimportant, and nothing worth talking about. So I just try to close myself off. I try not to let things hurt. I try to get through life obeying the orders of society on how to have a normal life, even if I don't agree with a lot of it. Normal is a vast word and people conform to fit into its box. But that's a different topic.

3 Card Spread: Yesterday

On the way to my sister's house I was so nervous that I did this spread yesterday.

Q: What will tonight be like?

A: Tales, House, Love

Tales: All the gossip we heard before seeing my family. We've heard a lot of true and untrue bad stuff that affects us horribly.

House: We were on our way to the house. We had such trouble deciding which house to use. I had been cleaning for a while, not knowing which house.

Love: Yes, in the end all that mattered was that we are family. Family makes mistakes. But there's more to people than their mistakes. There's love.

3 Card Spread

I've been wanting to buy a lot of decks in the past few months and I can finally buy some on the 21st. So, I've been dividing the decks up into categories to figure out how much each means to me. But, I have a spending limit that I'm opposed to. I can only buy some, not all. But I want them all!

Q: Should I buy the tarot and oracle decks I want?


A: Wealth, Longing, Love


Wealth: Only if I have the money in the first place.


Longing: I'll just have to admire them and long for them from afar.


Love: I'm in love with these decks. I want them very badly!

3 Card Spread

Q: What might happen with J?

A: Lover, Trouble, Jealousy


1. Lover: Pretty obvious. Maybe we could become more than friends. But the man is waiting for his date at 1:40 in the morning. It's a secret meeting. Maybe I don't want people to know because I'm ashamed. Cruel, I know. He's got flowers, maybe first meeting? Seems like a nice guy. He's dressed up, so impressions count. The question is, will she show?


2. Trouble: A black cat with an alley leading off all narrow with one lamppost. There's a sewer right there. Bad times or mischievous nights? Bad but good, or bad and more bad?


3. Jealousy: The man from the Lover card has caught his partner in bed with someone, not him. How convenient that he's found a knife. He overheard them, I guess. So, I'm thinking that the BF or husband doesn't trust his partner. He's possessive and prone to jealousy. Really doesn't look too nice. Maybe J is that type. Maybe he's trouble and I know he wants to be what's shown in the Lover card.

3 Card Spread

Q: What will my weekend be like from Friday-Monday?

A: Thoughts, Misery, Temptation

Do I really need to explain what this means? The plan was to go to a bar or club with 'friends', then camping, then maybe the rodeo. Either these are my insecure thoughts or it's a possible result of my insecure thoughts based on the path I'm on. Shit.

Q & A Reading

Q: What is my mood right now?

A: Temptations

Oh, this is good. It's funny because it's so accurate. I went to dinner with my family and there was, of course, a cute guy. He looked like he was looking at me the whole time, but he was probably looking at the person across from him, although I wasn't in the booth in front of him but way across. Whatever. This deck knew what was on my mind...

3 Card Spread

1. What will this deck teach me?

Journey:

I think this deck will take me on a spiritual or intellectual journey of the mind. The fact that it has a mile maker shows that this deck will be making me do a lot of walking. We're going on a journey together.


2. What does this deck require of me?

Gift:

This one I find hard to interpret because I don't know if it means I will give something up, like the deck, or receive the gift of knowledge due to working hard with this deck.


3. What will our relationship be?

Hope:

I really do feel hope for this deck. I see tons of potential. I'm already in love with it. It was love at first sight. When I look at these cards, I don't see anything negative. Just hope, humor, and happiness. And I'm hoping that will be our everlasting relationship.



*I got this spread from http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/. Don't remember who made it. Sorry!

Daily Reading

Wealth:

A woman stands in only fur, admiring the money around her. But not only is she surrounded, she is also standing in her riches. The woman is bathing in wealth. In fact, her feet are buried in gold coins. She's grounded by it. It's her focus. She has already bought that fur coat, so maybe today she is rich, but tomorrow poor.
---
Today the glass is half full instead of running on empty. I didn't wake up in a great mood, but it changed to one. I feel happy with what I have. I've got a lot of stuff, but I'm nowhere near full of money like the woman portrayed in the card. So I think this card means that I feel wealthy with my life. I'm full and I don't need more because I love what I've got. At least that's the meaning as I perceive it for today, because I highly doubt I'll be coming into a fortune, any kind of fortune, today!

Daily Reading

Misery:

This card resembles the tower in some ways. The lightning bolt and the house on fire spring to mind. The house is done with. It's time to get out before you're burned. Get out if you want to live.

The land is as bare as the dark tree. A raven is flying low, which could be a warning for dark times. A mirror is propped up and shattered; bad luck in every sense of the superstition.
---
This card describes my day completely. I've been up, then down all day. This has been pretty bad. I've been confused and depressed. Bad, bad day.

Earlier I tried to do my daily draw, but I didn't complete it. I drew Temperance from my Pictorial Key tarot deck. I should have finished it to fully understand the meaning of the card. I should have tried harder not to lose my balance, especially since I've had a feeling all week that this day would come. I should have...I could have....BUT, I'm only human.