7 Card Spread

Q: The Dad situation at the present moment

A: Death, Letter, Solider, Thoughts, Party, Love, Wedding

Death: Finding out the truth killed and changed so much. My relationship with my dad, my brother and mom, my older siblings. Destroyed is the image of him being a good man. It was shattered. I feel dead most of the time. I can't feel much because of the shock. And it's a change. it's all life changing.

Letter: Sending and receiving emails and text messages from my older siblings and my dad. It's the period of discussion we're having.

Solider: Since I'm numb, I just might get over his lies just to quit this. I'm so tired of it. I might just go back to never questioning him to his face. Taking those orders, keeping my mouth shut, doing what he says, pretending I don't believe he's a total liar.

Thoughts: I'm suspended in a time of suspension. I haven't answered his email. I'm still contemplating it and how he told half truths in it. I'm thinking about how that's the most honest I've seen him.
Party: My older siblings want all of us to come together, minus my dad. They want my youngest siblings to meet my brother and I after 11 years. They want us to accept them. They want us to heal together and just be a family.

Love: I don't know if I believe in it anymore. I know it can't/doesn't last. Was it real to begin with? How can I continue to write my books when I can't deal with love? My characters have intimacy issues already; how much more can I mess them up?

Wedding: Basically the same as the Love card. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've had such a fine example. I just want to get away from my dad. I find him sick, as does my mom. He made my sister have issues with men, and now I'm even worse with this new bomb. How many more years will I be like this?! I was just starting to get used to being touched and semi-okay with relationships after years of struggle. Now what?

It all comes full circle back to the Death card. That's how my life feels like. Learning the truth will ruin my younger siblings. I pray they never know and they don't go digging like I did.

Hey, everyone. Sorry it's been a while since I lasted posted. I've had the flu and I still feel like crap. Just wanted to let you know. I feel a little guilty for not having anything, but I haven't exactly felt like doing any daily readings.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

4 of Swords:

A man sleeps in a bed with three sword pointed down on him. They look sharp and threatening. A lone sword lies beside him for if he needs it. It's rest time. He needs to get better.
---
Yesterday I took some time to rest and relax. I managed to do some writing for once. I spent most of the day going over it. I also tried not to think about making decisions. The day before I felt stressed, so I knew that I had to keep my mind off things.

Daily Draw

2 of Wands:

An eagle flies free over a valley. There are mountains in the distance to symbolize things that do not change. The sun is setting just like it always does. Below him is green growth. His possibilities are endless.
---
Today has been interesting. I woke up wanting more. My cousin suggested (not for the first time) that I should move to her city for a few months. All I have to do is say yes and everything is set up for me if I want it. The possibilities are endless today. But would I regret it? I feel like the past year has been grooming me for something like this. I wasn't ready the last time I was offered. Am I now?

Daily Draw

10 of Swords:

Ever transforming, a camel becomes a lion, becomes a child.
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I'm stuck in limbo--coming from nowhere and going to nowhere. But yet, somewhere comes change. Lately I've been bound by my indecisiveness. I feel myself changing and growing, but I also feel when I get stuck. I keep going back and forth. One step forward, two steps back. After a while this seesaw can give me motion sickness. One day I will love you and the next I can't. One day I'm open, the next you wouldn't be able to guess what I'm thinking, let alone feeling. I'm waiting for the change to become complete, but now I'm wondering if it will ever stop. People are always evolving. Nothing stays in its pure form for long. Have one thought or feeling and it blooms into two more. And thus the cycle of indecision begins again...

Daily Draw: Yesterday

8 of Pentacles:

A person is going through her everyday life. She is peaceful in her surroundings and it is all second nature to her now.
---
Yesterday was an easy day. I had been babysitting my friend's wiener dog for a few days already and we had finally gotten into a steady routine. We were more comfortable. It was easier but harder because of all the pets in the house. After four days together, they really weren't getting along anymore.

Daily Draw

7 of Wands:

A man is doing many things at once--trying to keep his pace on balloons that are about to be popped by the monkey he has on a leash, juggling lit candles, and playing an instrument. He's literally got four hands and three legs. He's beyond stress. The weight he carries and fights to maintain is crushing him.
---
Today I need to relax. I'm the type of person who loves/hates doing everything myself. I think that only I can do the task right, but the work becomes too great. I need to trust things can be done without my help. Just let things go and watch. So I will do easy, unimportant things today instead of making myself physically ill. Because I'm actually starting to get sick.

Daily Draw

Earth:

The Earth element is very grounded and practical. It reminds me of trees rooted to the earth.
---
Today I feel calm and grounded. Things are steady. I'm using my logic and reason to make decisions. Common sense is the first thing I go by and I've been very organized. I want to get things done today and get them done fast. But I know that things take time, so I won't rush myself. I'm not being unrealistic with what I need to do either. I know how much work I can get done in one day. I won't push myself because that will just lead to getting stressed and then I won't get as much done.

Daily Draw

The Bodacious Bodach:

The way this fey is crouched makes me think he's being sneaky. He's up to no good even if he believes he is doing good. He looks to be in hiding; his wings are perked up and he's on the lookout. He always has to know what's going on around him.
---
I think this card is telling me that I'm not doing this enough. There are things I'm keeping from people and my feelings are pretty much closed off to them. I want to tell them info (and ask info), but it's hard to get it out of my head. I get questions and worry sometimes from them. They are interested. They want to know. But it's hard. Feels like I'm keeping secrets.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

The Talisman:

Yesterday I spent practically the entire day scanning photos for my older siblings. They were photos of our childhood. I was determined to keep going until I was finished because I needed to succeed. I had put it off long enough. I finally finished at 11:30pm. My older sibs were very happy, so it was worth the time and effort.

Daily Draw: July 26

6 of Wands:

There is a celebration in the woods and under a full moon. On this night, a new being has been born.
---
On Sunday my dad came over and we had dinner and went to a movie. We saw Public Enemies. Since I'm empathic, I collect feelings when I watch movies. Over time, these feelings change me and how I view the world. On Sunday I felt a shift in me. I don't know if it was the movie or not. But I noticed that I felt differently towards something. It's like I got back some hope. Only it felt like a sense of knowing. It was too strange to describe properly.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

Ace of Coins:

A woman is feeding an infant that has hatched. She has taken care of this egg and now the rewards are beginning to manifest. Something so small is turning into something big.
---
Lately I haven't been able to write and I didn't now why until last night. I still don't know the full reason, but I'm starting to understand it. I came to my conclusion with the help of a friend. He understands me more than most people, and that scares me sometimes. I always wonder if he's paying more attention than the others or maybe he really is the male version of me like he says. Anyways, he helped me start to address my problems. Maybe that will help in the long run.

Daily Draw

6 of Swords:

A man goes from one island to the next. His land is on fire and he needs to leave. The new land looks bare; he will need to start over, start from scratch. He brings only what he can use.
---
I've been taking a journey of the mind lately. I keep getting swords, so there is obviously something I'm thinking about. But last night I let go of all the bad. I'm embracing the good stuff. It's time to stop over analyzing and over thinking. Just let things be and let things happen. I can't change how things are going to be. So, I've finally relaxed.

Daily Draw

Seven of Swords:

A wolf is helping a hen down. He seems noble and honest, but he is the opposite.
---
Either it is me or someone else who is being sneaky and withholding the truth. Today I need to be careful when talking to someone. I shouldn't be completely open because sometimes it is better to give half truths. This person may be doing the same.

SONG OF THE WEEK

Vanessa Carlton
The Wreckage

Daily Draw

10 of Swords:

The Swords are about the mind. Intellect and logic go hand in hand. The 10 of Swords could be viewed negatively, but I like to think of what I need to overcome. The 10 of Swords usually means I'm going through pain and affliction because of the way I'm thinking. Or because of what I'm thinking about. There's a conflict going on inside my head. I'm ignoring my heart and focusing on my mind. There isn't a balance in that. I need to use both, together as one, not separate. I'm still thinking about my indecisiveness. I don't think it'll go away, but now I know what I want. But it also hurts to know. I want to crawl to greener grass. But the denial is gone, so I know I can't go back there. Now I have to face what's coming.

Daily Draw

The Lovers:

It is scary how accurate this is. I wanted to know what was on my mind today and I got this. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. I was told to choose my heart but I've always gone with my head. Now my heart is saying the same thing as my head: 'I don't want to do this'. I'm confused and I want to stay away from this territory with this person. If I make either choices, there will be a price and a commitment of some kind. I call it a consequence. The rational side of me knows what's right for me. But when is it time to stop being so rational? I tried being emotional instead and now I face this decision. There is no win-win situation. Why can't things be comfortable and fun? I need things to be still and unchanged. If I'm still, I'm alright. And if I'm alright, I'm still myself. I don't want to get lost. Why do these things have to be so complicated? Or is it me who is doing that? Am I just making it harder?


*I was doing a daily card for my mom, right after I did mine, and I got Lover using my Little Czech oracle deck. I can't take my mind off this subject!

Daily Draw: Yesterday

Ace of Swords:

The birth of a new idea, decisions, the beginning of conflict. An idea is generating and it's strong enough even if it's not fully formed. It's there and it wishes to be heard.
---
All day I spent my time watching movies on the couch. I had to be on the couch because I hurt my foot and it was swelling. But I also had to be watching movies because my thoughts were cutting too deep. They were too potent and I couldn't take that. I needed to escape them because I didn't want to be thinking about a specific thing. I even paired the movies with a puzzle, and it worked. I received the relief I needed. I just can't deal with what's on my mind. It's too hard.

Daily Reading

Jessamine: Compassion:

A woman is rubbing oil into her daughter's hair. They are sharing sympathy by being close to one another.
---
Wow, is this ever accurate. Today there's been a lot going on. My mom had the dentist and a very needed eye doctor's appointment. We all had packing and loads of laundry to do before tomorrow. She was very stressed. She needed a hug and everything she was holding in came out. My mom was happy I was empathic towards her. She talked about sympathy.


*I'm going on vacation tomorrow, a road trip, and I probably won't have much access to the internet. We'll see. I'll be gone for a week and a half. Ciao!

Daily Reading

King of Wands:

A father leads his children down a path. They cling to him with excitement. Somehow, while teaching his children important lessons, he makes it fun.
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Since my dad doesn't live with us, I've always taken his role. I've been the tough punishment type and my mom is the soft one to my younger brother. I've always tried to set good examples for him without meaning to. I've bossed him around, not because some find it fun, but because he needed it. He turned out smarter because of it. He actually learned something. When we were little kids, I even taught him schoolwork by playing teacher with a mini chalkboard and decks. His teachers reported back to my mom that he didn't lose knowledge over the summer because of my tactics. I was around 11 when we started doing that. I thought it was fun, but as the years went by, it was needed.