7 Card Spread

Q: The Dad situation at the present moment

A: Death, Letter, Solider, Thoughts, Party, Love, Wedding

Death: Finding out the truth killed and changed so much. My relationship with my dad, my brother and mom, my older siblings. Destroyed is the image of him being a good man. It was shattered. I feel dead most of the time. I can't feel much because of the shock. And it's a change. it's all life changing.

Letter: Sending and receiving emails and text messages from my older siblings and my dad. It's the period of discussion we're having.

Solider: Since I'm numb, I just might get over his lies just to quit this. I'm so tired of it. I might just go back to never questioning him to his face. Taking those orders, keeping my mouth shut, doing what he says, pretending I don't believe he's a total liar.

Thoughts: I'm suspended in a time of suspension. I haven't answered his email. I'm still contemplating it and how he told half truths in it. I'm thinking about how that's the most honest I've seen him.
Party: My older siblings want all of us to come together, minus my dad. They want my youngest siblings to meet my brother and I after 11 years. They want us to accept them. They want us to heal together and just be a family.

Love: I don't know if I believe in it anymore. I know it can't/doesn't last. Was it real to begin with? How can I continue to write my books when I can't deal with love? My characters have intimacy issues already; how much more can I mess them up?

Wedding: Basically the same as the Love card. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've had such a fine example. I just want to get away from my dad. I find him sick, as does my mom. He made my sister have issues with men, and now I'm even worse with this new bomb. How many more years will I be like this?! I was just starting to get used to being touched and semi-okay with relationships after years of struggle. Now what?

It all comes full circle back to the Death card. That's how my life feels like. Learning the truth will ruin my younger siblings. I pray they never know and they don't go digging like I did.

Hey, everyone. Sorry it's been a while since I lasted posted. I've had the flu and I still feel like crap. Just wanted to let you know. I feel a little guilty for not having anything, but I haven't exactly felt like doing any daily readings.

Daily Draw: Yesterday

4 of Swords:

A man sleeps in a bed with three sword pointed down on him. They look sharp and threatening. A lone sword lies beside him for if he needs it. It's rest time. He needs to get better.
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Yesterday I took some time to rest and relax. I managed to do some writing for once. I spent most of the day going over it. I also tried not to think about making decisions. The day before I felt stressed, so I knew that I had to keep my mind off things.

Daily Draw

2 of Wands:

An eagle flies free over a valley. There are mountains in the distance to symbolize things that do not change. The sun is setting just like it always does. Below him is green growth. His possibilities are endless.
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Today has been interesting. I woke up wanting more. My cousin suggested (not for the first time) that I should move to her city for a few months. All I have to do is say yes and everything is set up for me if I want it. The possibilities are endless today. But would I regret it? I feel like the past year has been grooming me for something like this. I wasn't ready the last time I was offered. Am I now?

Daily Draw

10 of Swords:

Ever transforming, a camel becomes a lion, becomes a child.
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I'm stuck in limbo--coming from nowhere and going to nowhere. But yet, somewhere comes change. Lately I've been bound by my indecisiveness. I feel myself changing and growing, but I also feel when I get stuck. I keep going back and forth. One step forward, two steps back. After a while this seesaw can give me motion sickness. One day I will love you and the next I can't. One day I'm open, the next you wouldn't be able to guess what I'm thinking, let alone feeling. I'm waiting for the change to become complete, but now I'm wondering if it will ever stop. People are always evolving. Nothing stays in its pure form for long. Have one thought or feeling and it blooms into two more. And thus the cycle of indecision begins again...

Daily Draw: Yesterday

8 of Pentacles:

A person is going through her everyday life. She is peaceful in her surroundings and it is all second nature to her now.
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Yesterday was an easy day. I had been babysitting my friend's wiener dog for a few days already and we had finally gotten into a steady routine. We were more comfortable. It was easier but harder because of all the pets in the house. After four days together, they really weren't getting along anymore.

Daily Draw

7 of Wands:

A man is doing many things at once--trying to keep his pace on balloons that are about to be popped by the monkey he has on a leash, juggling lit candles, and playing an instrument. He's literally got four hands and three legs. He's beyond stress. The weight he carries and fights to maintain is crushing him.
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Today I need to relax. I'm the type of person who loves/hates doing everything myself. I think that only I can do the task right, but the work becomes too great. I need to trust things can be done without my help. Just let things go and watch. So I will do easy, unimportant things today instead of making myself physically ill. Because I'm actually starting to get sick.